i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
