i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Of course I have a pirate flag
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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