Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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