Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm way too hungover for life right now
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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