never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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