i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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