i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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