I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I supernannyed him into submission
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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