Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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