i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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