What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
