the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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