I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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