I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
