i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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