dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The uberlube is also flammable
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
