she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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