The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
