your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
either way he was missing a nipple.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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