it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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