I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
