I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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