I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
