I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
