I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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