I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
