my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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