Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
