what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
