dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize