So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm too high and old for this...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
