I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You need a sexual gate keeper
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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