I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
