No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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