I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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