Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
