Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
