dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
