Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
God, I missed his penis.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
