If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
