Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
