I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
