That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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