So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
