It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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