i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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