I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
