the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
