He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
