nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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