We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
