rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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