im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
