I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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