I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She's the barista slut.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
