my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
