Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
