Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
