I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
