Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
