i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
